In the tradition of Dear American Airlines, I completed the following complaint letter to the NFLRush Zone after having and being summarily denied a refund for this online application. I think it's self explanatory - but comments are welcome for how I could have made it better, funnier, or more entertaining:
"Dear NFLRush,
Did you receive my entire message? Did you feel that this canned response is adequate or appropriate for the time I and my prodigy spent trying to make use of this service? Dear NFLRush, you have denied a child of their promised education, and (i say this with the utmost disgust) made a liar and a fool out of me.
Dear NFLRush, are you in the business of promising to deliver a product for a fee, taking that fee, and bailing on the aforementioned product delivery? Why, that cannot be a sustainable business, can it? Won't Joe Six pack, Joe the Plumber, and Cottonmouth Joe work out this scheme eventually? You didn't really buy into our dear President's assertion that I am clinging to my religion - lacking the sophistication to avoid being railroaded by you, did you Dear NFLRush? Well sir, you are mistaken on two fronts: My wife is from Pennsylvania (alas, not the western part of the state), and sir - I have no religion.
Oh my Dear NFLRush, I know the economy is in a dreadful state right now. But fear not! Our new administration is pulling all the right strings and pushing all the right buttons to get this boat sailing again. Find reassurance that Congress will refuse this and every weekend recess until such time as they have determined just the right spot to stick that one trillion dollars. There is no need to abscond with my $29.00 Dear NFLRush; I could be no more confident that they will find a place to stick some of that money in your coffer than if I were a pregnant fly about to deliver my egg, searching for a pile of puppy poo on Michael Vick's Virginia plantation (clearly, that was written for alliteration purposes - do not take that last line personally...but do take the rest very personally).
Whoa Dear NFLRush, it seems I have misjudged you! You are no crook. Why, I have just received another email from you requesting more information from me so that you can forward it on to your billing department, where they (and I do find this to be utterly strange, but not pretentious, language) "will be able to track down the exact transaction and will be able to guide you to a resolution." Dear NFLRush, it is guidance that I require; and thank you for noticing. In fact Dear NFLRush, I believe that we have come to a place in our relationship where I am comfortable sharing this information with you. It is a big step I know, but I think we are ready. Damn the Nay-Sayers! They just don't understand what we have Dear NFLRush!
Here goes:
NFLRZ Username: xxxxxx
Type of card - MC, Visa, etc: Amex
The last four digits of the card: xxx
Date of transaction/attempted transaction: 1/26/2009
Contact phone number: xxx.xxx.xxxx
Best time to reach you: Eastern Daylight Savings time - At your pleasure, but please understand that I nap most frequently and you may be left leaving a voice mail. As a matter of course, I apologize for this in advance.
I look forward to speaking with someone from your billing department soon Dear NFLRush. Thank you. Thank you for initiating this path to resolution, which I am confident will result in the application of $29.00 to my plastic pocket. You are a gentleman and a scholar sir.
All my best regards,
-me
P.S. I do apologize for this book of a letter as well. Brevity is a virtue to which I continually aspire, and continually fail to obtain..."
And the response I received later that day:
"Dear Mr. Prince,
My name is [redacted] and I am the general manager of the NFLRUSH Zone. I apologize for your trouble and regret your poor experience here. I have canceled the premium subscription for the account "pantherzzz" and I have provided a credit of $24.99 to your credit card.
Sincerely,
[redacted]
General Manager
NFLRUSH Zone"